There are some things in life that are inevitable. Death. Taxes. The Illuminati. Skinny jeans. And marriage within MSAs.
In the past five months, the Muslim Student Association at UCLA has seen four people willingly engage in matrimonial union (that’s two separate couples for you traditionalists). However, after each announcement of engagement there follows a general sense of confusion and bewilderment from the community. “Where did that come from?” “IT SHOULDA BEEN ME!” The engagements almost seem random and completely unplanned to everyone. Everyone, that is, except four.
There is a certain methodology to transforming a bare fourth finger to a ringed one. And the four individuals who took the leap of matrimony last year executed this tried and true method to a tee. Through dedicated observation and comprehensive analysis, I have compiled a four step how-to guide to getting married in your MSA. Proper execution of this program will take intense focus and determination, but with a complete commitment to each outlined step, you will find yourself holding the hand of someone other than your mother or fobbish Egyptian male friend in no time.
The Four Step Program to Getting Married in the MSA
STEP 1: Study in the general vicinity of your MSA’s office.
A potential spouse wants someone who’s studious. Success is a product of work ethic and how is that work ethic supposed to be seen by the tuffaha of your eye except through studying where he/she is sure to see you.
For males, it is recommended to study something math-related. If your major does not involve math, just do your appropriate reading/essay, but hold a calculator. She’ll think you’re so smart you’ve discovered a way to complete North Campus work through mathematical means.
For girls, it’s probably best to work on something that involves reading. It’s every man’s worst nightmare to find the perfect girl only to discover her illiterate.
STEP 2: Walk the religious tight rope
What do I mean by that? You are Muslim and damn proud, but you don’t want your potential Siamese soul-mate to think of you as radical. You want to project an aura of, “I’m religious, but don’t for a second think I’m not still hip and jive yo”.
This can be accomplished through the promotion of Muslim slam poetry and/or snapping your fingers in agreement during Jummuah khutbas. Listen to music, but cringe at every curse word. Follow every action with the appropriate religious response, but utilize abbreviations (i.e.Jazaks, Astughz). You don’t have time to say the whole word, you’ve got things to do!
Warning! You may completely confuse members of your own gender with this contradictory behavior. Pay them no mind. They’re all trying to steal your guy/girl anyway. Everyone’s an obstacle.
Step 3: Take positions of leadership within your MSA
It is important to seek leadership within the MSA and its projects to maintain and strengthen Muslim influence and give back to the disadvantaged communities that blah blah blah whatever. People in power get married. Period.
Of the last twelve MSA presidents, 100% are either engaged, married, or totally could get married but just have to take care of some stuff first. Join a project and scope a spouse under the façade of activism. The only drawback is that you have to help people, but it’s a small price to pay for happily ever after.
Step 4: Be awkward around the opposite gender
This is the final and maybe most important step in the process. You can’t seem like you are comfortable around the opposite gender. If he/she wanted to marry a player they’d move to the Jersey Shore. Perhaps the best way to understand this step is with a sample conversation. In the following interaction, both the sister and brother demonstrate the perfect amount of awkward. It’s carefully planned and beautifully executed.
Sister: Asalaam Alaylum brother (look at ground while darting .4 seconds of eye contact every 13 seconds)
Brother: Wa alaykum Salaam sister. (close Facebook, open up suhaibwebb.com. She didn’t see it) I’m not sure we’ve met before, I’m (name) but people call me (something no one calls you, but you wish they did. The prophet had nicknames, so make one up) (Extend hand)
Sister: Oh I’m (name), I’m sorry, but I don’t shake hands (put hands in pockets of dress. Notice his facial expression as he is astonished by pockets on a dress)
Brother: Oh yea, neither do I (extend left hand and clap hands like a seal). I was trying to catch a fly… So have you heard about (current event in Muslim world)
Sister: No I haven’t (lean closer to encourage conversation)
Brother: Cool. (slowly turn back to computer and play newly installed Nintendo game)
Believe it or not, the above conversation is actually how my parents met. So if you need proof if it works, here I am.
And there you are folks! If you follow each step to its most detailed specifications you’ll be dancing on tables, knocking over your uncle’s chai onto his suit pants and pretending to know how to debke in no time; except this time it’ll be your own wedding.
*If not completely evident people, these steps are absolutely satirical. In reality, finding your “other half” is a lot like your favorite piece of clothing in your closet: You probably found it when you weren’t even looking to buy anything.
Either that or it’s the one your mother picked out.