restless in the night
vigilant to what might come to harm when darkness arrives,
i toss and turn on the pink sheets of my bed that hug me
when loneliness wraps and strangles me ~ a claustrophobic turn,
the gold within the fairy lights blend into the air,
my sight blurry from the river my crystallized eyes begin producing.
i stare blankly into the beige ceiling
wondering how i ended up lost in the angelic city,
for some days when failure becomes my companion for each meal,
i can only ponder what my true purpose is in this world meant for the materialistic,
something must be in the air, the cries of the neighbors, the hearts bleeding out for their Lord,
i weep for my Lord to speak to me, to come near me once more when depression tightens its grip around me, i need the strength of Him,
and i flood tears into the mountains of my face,
i plead for God to save me from this torture of the night, of the mind, and the illness it carries,
i turn to my right,
there’s a voice i hear in the soft distance,
it must be Him, the most Patient One,
comforting me in the hours when my mind is unable to doze off into sleep,
when i am impatient with myself,
He says to me,
“By the morning light, and the night as it settles, I did not abandon you, nor did I forget you, I found you wandering, and guided you” When childhood trauma struck the body, did I not soothe your heart?
when the dinner table was empty, did i not provide you the company of my angels?
and the green hill you spent your childhood running and playing along the grass, did i not then provide you an olive tree to shine down peace upon your honey eyes and sweetness on your tongue,
to speak with love to your devoted ones – your beloved mother who nurtured you, who allowed you to break out of societal expectations, did i not provide you more than enough?
and my dear, the moon guiding you in darkness, its gleaming light frosting your hair, why then do you not sit still and appreciate the glory of my Creations?”
oh my Lord,
the devils have tackled my joy, my serenity from my wrecked hands,
i no longer carry happiness on my face within the curve of a smile,
my eyes drooping from the lost of the world,
i am to blame,
i kept chasing after the wrong things to fulfill my soul,
and then He would remind me “abundance distracts you, until you visit the graveyard”
my heart pounding from the shock that my last day may be soon,
and i was roaming this earth unappreciative, anxious, and always late to prayer,
always one step away from becoming the muslim i could have been,
my pillow drenched from my tears, flattened from my nonstop thoughts,
i would eventually doze off further and further into sleep, possibly waking up the next morning and realizing,
i finally spoke with God last night,
my hope reawakening.