by Sumaya Bezrati
Today I read someone’s status message that was criticizing children’s misbehavior in the mosque (albeit jokingly) but it still struck a nerve with me. This would be the 4th status message about this very topic that I have read this Ramadan.
When did the Ummah become this intolerant of children in the mosque?
I love going to the mosque. It brings a sense of ease and peace over me that no matter how I hard try I can never replicate by praying at home. But I have stopped going. In fact, except for three times, I haven’t been in over two years. Because I’m tired. I don’t want to see people rolling their eyes at my daughter. I don’t want to hear lectures from ladies who “couldn’t concentrate on their prayers.” So I continue to pray at home and I long for the day when I will be able to return to the mosque, child in tow.
Most mosques in America today have special rooms dedicated for mothers with children. However, I truly believe that the creation of these “special” rooms is actually a disservice to both our mothers and children. These rooms have taught our children that going to the mosque is about running around with your friends and screaming at the top of their lungs. I truely believe that if children are allowed into the main musella from a young age they will learn the proper behavior in a mosque. Furthermore, most of these rooms are not wired for sound or video and therefore the mothers have no idea when the prayer is starting, finishing, or in session. Therefore, we end up just praying by ourselves and don’t learn anything from sermons (because we can’t hear them!)
When I ask the parents of the most well-behaved children in the mosque for tips and tricks, their answer is always the same. That they brought their children weekly since their children were babies, and so overtime their children got used to the mosque and behaved accordingly. You can not expect to wait until your child is at an age when they are old enough to sit still for the whole sermon to suddenly bring them to the mosque. If we do wait, by that age we may have already lost our children. We need to instill a love of Islam and the masjid in the hearts of our children from an early age.
I once read a suggestion from a well-meaning sister who asked, “Why don’t mothers leave their children with other family members or take turns with other mothers watching the group of kids.” Firstly, it is a mistake to assume that ANY mother has the support of family. Some people are isolated from family and good friends. Some people are single mothers. Additionally, where does one meet good Muslim friends, who they can perhaps work out a babysitting schedule with? Why, at the mosque, of course!
Bringing our children to the mosque is also important for raising our children according to the Sunnah. The Prophet (may God’s peace and blessings be upon him) often prayed with his granddaughter Umamah on his shoulders. His attitude towards children was always kind and merciful. In fact, one time while the Prophet was leading prayers in the mosque, he heard a child crying and so he shortened the prayer simply on the grounds that he knew that the cries of the child would make the mother nervous. So to keep the mother from growing anxious, he ended the prayers promptly. Furthermore, we all cherish the hadith that the Prophet used to let his grandchildren play on his back as he prayed. Yet, we still want to be hard-hearted towards children and claim that they upset our concentration in prayer.
“None of you is truly a believer until you wish for your brother what you wish for yourself” A great quote by our beloved Prophet Muhammad. Don’t we want all of our brothers and sisters to have what we have? And that something is something so simple. Accessability in the mosque so that we can increase our faith, without being criticized. I will never forget the time while praying in Masjid al-Aqsa in Jerusalem, Palestine a mother was there with her three year old daughter for the asr prayer during Ramadan. The child was singing to herself and dancing as the prayer ensued. Afterwards, another lady came and yelled at the mother so much, saying why would she bring her small daughter and she couldn’t concentrate, to the point that the lady left in tears. Will she be coming back to the mosque any time soon? In fact, I have seen this same scene play out a few different times throughout my life, and once that mother who left in tears, was me.
This is a plea from a mother who is trying to raise the next generation of Muslims. Please, I implore you, for the sake of God, have patience. For God tells us in the Qur’an: “God is with those who are patient.”
If you have a husband, it may be time to ask him to watch the kids more often.
Sumaya,
Many, many applauds to you for writing this piece and voicing a concern that many mothers have– and addressing a common complaint that many muslims have.
What fascinates me is the adolescent attitude that many muslims take on this issue. In condemning the act of bringing children to the mosque, many muslims act childishly in counteracting the issue–like you said, I have seen many, many women being yelled at, “shhh”ed, and simply kicked out.
Regardless of faith–people as a whole need to take an understanding attitude when it comes to kids. As an adult, one needs to realize the complex needs of a child and on top of that, there is no adult on earth that exists who can recall what it was like to be a kid 100%. Have we all forgotten that we were just as desperate to have our diapers changed? Have we all forgotten that desperation for attention from our parents? Have we all forgotten that desperation for entertainment–because a Khutbah sermon is sure enough not as entertaining as Sesame Street.
People need to understand that, just as adults, just as muslims, we have the need to spiritually entertain ourselves–through khutbahs and prayers, we are adhering to a need of our own. Similarly, children have the need to physically entertain themselves, and we, as adults, are no one to stop them.
I am not trying to say that we let the kids loose. No. Because mothers are allowed to pick up their children during prayers, this matter has been dealt with proactively in Islam. However, what I AM saying, and agreeing with you on, is that children and mothers should NOT be reprimanded for attending mosque. WE ALL HAVE AN EQUAL RIGHT TO WORSHIP. If a baby is crying, then deal with it. However, if there are grown children that are 5 and up, they can be tamed. 5 and below–they simply have to be as they are. Children are children, and you can’t tell a 5 year old to sit in one spot for a 40 minute khutbah and prayer.
That is the reality.
Now, to deal with this reality, it is imperative that the muslims attending the masjid take an UNDERSTANDING, EMPATHETIC approach to mothers. Being a mother is challenging in itself, let alone when you have pressures from society–from your OWN muslim brothers and sisters–for you to have perfectly obedient children.
Inshallah my suggestion is for all of us to accept reality and work on our patience. If kids cannot teach you how to be patient, then you’ll just have to learn on your own.
Try being a parent! If you’re single, I’m sorry, but I doubt you know what it feels like.
Jazakallah
I’m torn. I always have been.
When I go to visit a Mosque and the kids are running around so wild that they tear up (literally) the Qur’an I brought in to read (since I keep my place marked and have a reading schedule) then I question whether or not kids should be in the Mosque.
When I go to pray at the Mosque and have kids running up and down the prayer rows and squeezing in-between people and getting in the way of my motion to make sujood I can’t say I agree with the idea of kids in the Mosque.
When I see a small child left to lie in the floor of the Mosque during the khutbah and see the child urinate himself in a prayer area and then watch the father simply move the child aside for prayer with no attempt to clean the affected spot I really dislike the idea of kids in the Mosque.
Yet I realize that the real problem here is not the kids; it is the parents.
Parents have an obligation to maintain discipline on their children and to ensure that they have respect for the act of prayer and the place of worship.
In all of the above instances, it is clear that the parents just shrugged their collective shoulders and said “Oh well, they’re just kids!”
(in fact, when my Qur’an was destroyed the father of one of the offenders simply smoothed out the pages and closed the Qur’an thinking I wouldn’t notice the missing pages and broken cover… when he saw that I was watching him fix his child’s mess he laughed and said “Children can be so naughty, you can buy another; yes?”
If the child is old enough to run in the Mosque then he/she is old enough to be taught respect and discipline in a house of worship. When I was a child being taken to the Southern Baptist church (yes I was raised as a Christian in the South, cringe and run in horror) I was given something quiet to do during the sermon and when the prayer time came I was made to stand with my head bowed in absolute silence. I was not yet school age and I remember with crystal clarity how my mother and father stressed to me that we were in a house of God and that we must respect God and all those who are worshiping.
Are we not supposed to be the best community of worshipers gathered by our Creator? If such values can be instilled in a 3-4 year old child in a Southern Baptist church, can’t those values be instilled in a 3-4 year old in a Muslim community?
I read articles about 2-year olds who can answer questions about Islam readily,
5 year olds that are Hafiz and many other impressive children in our global ummah. In Masajid I have visited there are children who are the epitome of angelic behavior. I have witnessed a 2-year old boy who kneels silently beside his father, watching him pray and being quiet during the prayer, then afterward the child mode is engaged again.
The problem is that people just don’t try anymore; people are too complacent to just let kids be kids instead of teaching them respect and dicipline.
When do we start teaching kids to respect Allah (SWT)?
Why should there be an age limit on teaching this?
Now that I am a father, I realize that this is a challenge to me. I realize that from the time my daughter begins to speak that I should teach her properly when it is not appropriate to speak.
From the time she can read, it is my responsibility to introduce books that will educate her on Islam.
From the time she can walk, it is my responsibility to teach her when it is proper to sit down.
It is the responsibility and duty of a parent to raise a child properly with dignity and respect for Al-Islam, there is no excuse for children running wild in a house of worship.
I couldn’t stand women sternly telling mothers with kids to go to the mother lounge. So, back in 2006, I sent an e-mail to our masjid’s sisters rep. to express my disapproval. It took me a few years before I could begin to see the big picture. Honestly, if a mother is trying to teach her child to respect and love the masjid, that is awesome. And inshAllah she will be successful. But some mothers don’t instill their children with the adab…they don’t differentiate to their children that they are not at their friend’s house…but in the house of God. What’s more, some children see their mothers mistreating the masjid by chatting and socializing excessively instead of giving it the due respect. Ya Allah, the imam is reciting the Qur’an AND people are praying, and we don’t have the decency to leave the prayer area to laugh and chat with our friends?!
MashAllah, I’m sure my community is not the only one that is growing, which means more chit chat and noise. I am able to tolerate a lot of noise (I have 3 younger brothers), but when 16 kids started to play “red rover” during ‘asr prayer…even the imam couldn’t help himself but speak out.
It’s not just about bringing your kids to the masjid. There’s nothing wrong with that. I love to see people of all ages in our community getting together –it’s very beautiful. What’s wrong is if we adults, along with our children– who learn from our examples, don’t treat the masjid as it should be treated…as a place of worship.
(Here’s the email I had received in response to my initial complaint in 2006):
After coming back this and seeing what others have said. I thought I might just post this:
If the church does not recapture its prophetic zeal, it will become an irrelevant social club without moral or spiritual authority. –Martin Luther King Jr.
This appears to apply to the mosque situation with kids. Some have said that the parents are not training their kids to have proper behavior. They are just letting them run loose so they can have time to socialize. As if the mosque were a social club and not a house of worship. Hopefully the kids who are being neglected will end up having some sense of the mosque being more than just a social outlet.
Salaam Alaikum,
Thank you for your insightful comments. First let me preface by saying that I wrote the article in haste and was reeling with emotions at the time. I actually was crying as I wrote it, that’s how upset I was.
In hindsight I can see how in some circumstances children can be distracting. What are some solutions our community can come up with in order to remedy this situation?
Also, let me just say. I have seen my article reposted on a number of social websites and I have yet to see a mother who disagreed with it. Every mother so far has agreed wholeheartedly. I truly believe that unless you are mother you will not know the angst we go through. There is a reason why “heaven lies under our feet” God only knows the sacrifices mothers make. A person will never EVER appreciate their mother to her full capacity until she has children of her own. And a boy will never, ever know how much his mother loved him and did for him. The heartache and silent suffering she went through all for her children, because of her love for them.
I do not think it is a lack of parenting. I have never seen neglectful mothers in the masjid. I have always seen well-meaning mothers trying to instill a love of Islam in their children. But perhaps that is just me because I do always try to see the best in people and make excuses for them as my Prophet saws told me to do.
Additionally, some have mentioned that mothers use the masjid as a social club. I am not sure how this is relevant because if there is any mother that does this, you better believe that there are just as many non-mothers who do it as well. Should they be kicked out the masjid? Should they be yelled at? Or should they be given naseeha in a kind and private way?
Furthermore, some have mentioned that the reward for women praying at home is greater so we should be happy to pray at home. Let me just mention that this reward was never installed as a way to DISCOURAGE women from attending the masjid. It was meant as a relief on her, if she chooses to stay home. The reward for a single, non-mother is more for her to stay at home as well, yet many women choose to forgo this reward and go to the masjid. Why? Because they must certainly be gaining something from it. Us mothers deserve that too.
Finally, let me just say that any mother will tell you that ALL children now matter how well behaved and disciplined have good days and bad days. Sometimes my 2 year old prays right along with my husband and I, silently, making every motion on time and even vocalizing the “Allaho Akbar” and “Sami Allah liman Hamidan” And then there are days when she jumps on my back, tries to yank off my hijab, sings her ABCs, pretends she’s a plane, pretends she’s a superhero, pretends she’s a monkey, does jumping jacks or screams that she wants some juice at the top of her lungs. And I have the best daughter a mother could ask for, not that I’m biased or anything.
My plea is just simply to make excuses for our mothers because you don’t know what they go through unless you are one, quite simply. Try to have patience with the children. Try to understand that every mother wants what’s best for her child and is trying eagerly as hard as she can to raise them into productive good human beings.
Fee aman Allah,
Sumaya
Salaam!
Great comments by everyone. But I just wanted to share something that upset me even more. The other day, there were 3 children in the boys bathroom, aged about 7 years old each chasing each other. While I was in the stall, two of the boys CRAWL, yes, CRAWL underneath my stall trying to escape from their friends chasing him. Not only was this clearly clearly wrong, but their entire clothes were now filled with Najas (impurity). Where did they procede afterwards? I saw them enter the Mosque, praying with their Najas. Not only did they invade my privacy, but they brought this into the Mosque. I think the responsibility here clearly falls on the parents, both the husband and the wife. The mother is not the only parent.
Salaam Alaikum,
Again, it boils down to making excuses for our brothers and sisters and offering proper naseeha.
I wonder if in this circumstance you alerted the parents in a private and kind way? If not, then it does no good to reveal their sins in the open on a public forum.
I wonder if these parents donate to the mosque. If so…then some of that money should come back to them. I have never been to a church that did not have a day care, and often even a small playground, attached. And church day care is always much cheaper, or even free for church members, because it is so heavily subsidized through donations. And there are always free programs for kids of all ages. If you are are in elementary school or above, Wednesday night can be spent in most churches playing games if your little, if your a teen then doing some kind of teen program, etc. I spent plenty of Wednesdays at church, though I was never in daycare.
A mother’s lounge should really just be the daycare. Like I’ve never seen a woman get asked to leave church because her child was acting up. My sister showed up to a church she is not even a member of with her two year old. He started acting up. So she was showed the church day care, a nice woman put him in to play with the other little ones, and when church was over she picked him up. He was having a blast. They didn’t ask her to pay a cent. And that was not even a very rich church.
Maybe some of these mosques are extremely poor, or don’t get very many donations, but offering child care is just standard procedure in churches–at least all the ones I have ever been to. It may be time for mosques to think about putting some of those donations into helping their female congregants with children. How can a mother donate at all if she can’t go to the mosque?
#1
Talk to your church leadership. You’ll want to have the approval of your pastor and church board of directors before starting a church daycare ministry. It can be helpful to present a written proposal that outlines the who, what, when, where and why of your plan to start a church daycare.
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2
Look into the licensing requirements for church daycares. Many states have regulations that govern church daycare programs. The state department that oversees early childhood programs would be the department you would need to contact to find out the laws and regulations that govern church-based daycare programs in your state. Be sure to meet all the licensing requirements before opening your daycare.
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3
Find and childproof an area that can be used for your church daycare. It is important that the area can be viewed at all times by church attendees. The room should have a door with a window that passersby can see in to protect workers from accusations of mistreatment of children. You’ll also want to be sure that there are appropriate diaper changing facilities and age appropriate toys. Ask church members to donate gently used items for your daycare.
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4
Create an operations, policies and procedures manual. It will outline the rules of your daycare, safety guidelines for your daycare, information on how you will screen and train volunteer workers and provide information on how children are to be dropped off and picked up. It should also include sample forms for logging children in and out of the daycare, accident and incident reporting, enrollment forms and applications for workers. The manual should also outline the roles and responsibilities of workers and parents.
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5
Screen workers. You’ll want to have parents of children and others who have a love of children within the church serve in the daycare. Be sure to have volunteers complete applications. Complete a criminal background check on volunteers and conduct in-depth interviews. You should really make an effort to know who wants to work with the kids and why they wish to do so. Some states, like Massachusetts, do free background checks called CORI reports on volunteers who work with children in churches.
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6
Advertise your program. Put an insert in your church bulletin or pass out flyers to church attendees who have children. Encourage them to check out your new program. Provide opportunities for church attendees to visit the area where the daycare will be located.
Read more: Starting a Church Daycare | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4579548_starting-church-daycare.html#ixzz0xpc5ijii
Just really quick to respond to Sumaya, I didnt mention any names so im not revealing any sins. Second, i never saw the parents, nor do i know who the children are. All I know is that my privacy was invaded, and Najasa was introduced into the Masjid because the parents did not do their job. (I’m not saying they should have been watching the children. But any child taught about Najasa should know not to be doing that).
Salam brother,
Since we seem to be at an extreme disagreement over this issue, I have emailed you a response in private so as to avoid any fitnah our arguing in public will cause
I ask that you forgive me of anything that I may have said that offended you.
Fee aman Allah,
Sumaya
My friend was telling me today about how her kids made some noise at the masjid today and so some lady yelled at them and told the kids to go outside! It was like 11pm and the kids were like 4 or 5 ….and they went outside :/
I feel like t…here are 2 issues:
1. If we see kids misbehaving we should CONTACT/SPEAK to the parents DIRECTLY and use wisdom to let them know they should keep their children from misbehaving and distracting other people from praying their salat properly.
Yelling, being rude, rolling eyes, and making parents feel unwelcome is not part of the adaab {manners/etiquette] that we learn from the Sunnah. Also, perhaps this parent
never comes to the masjid and does not even pray, and the only time they DID come to the masjid or took a step towards Allah swr, they were not welcomed or respected (yes this has happened before! I even know someone who does not go to the masjid but went one time, they were not even the parent who was treated rudely, rather they were just observing the rudeness, and now they do not return to the masjid and have a very bad impression of the people at the masjid).
It is really important to speak to the parent DIRECTLY because it is possible that they don’t realize they are disturbing anyone due to being desensitized of the child’s noise levels. Also, maybe they were in a rush to get to their child’s needs (child bawling etc.) and forgot that the child made a mess somewhere (dropped food etc) – LET them know!! IT is very important to communicate with the parents – in a civil manner – so that they can address the person disturbed as well as return to the masjid with better understanding of how they should be with their children while there. Or else this problem will just continue wherever the parents take their children!
2.Parents should take their kids AWAY (outside, in another room etc. ) from the congregation if they are becoming too loud, distracting, or disturbing. We don’t want to be responsible for disturbing other peoples’ salat.
Please feel free to add anything that might be helpful for both the parents who want to bring their kids — AND those affected by their noisy children. LOL jk bout the noisy part..
I actually think that the masajid should come up with a “form” or a class that gives parents some advice with regards to how they should deal with their kids in the masjid!
That way, if someone is too shy to directly tell a parent that thei…r child is destroying the masjid (pun intended
— they can just give this “form” or pamphlet that does both
1. Make parent STILL feel like they can come back to the masjid
2. Know what they should do to make the next time they come to the masjid more successful.
Whoever makes this pamphlet will receive a lot of reward because I’m sure it will be used everywhere – since there is nothing like it existing. Hint hint. (I’m not good at the actually making of it, but can contribute some insight in terms of what to include in the pamphlet)